Finding Me: A Memoir

On April 20th, Netflix dropped a special event with Oprah Winfrey and Viola Davis in celebration of her new book, “Finding Me”. This book is a memoir of Viola’s life and how she navigated her journey from poverty to stardom. The interview is held on Oprah’s porch in Maui, for a run total of 48 minutes. When watching this interview, I immediately felt a sense of peace. I was intrigued to go on this journey with Viola & Oprah, and learn about the woman who has been such an inspiration to me as an actress. In this interview, Oprah allows Viola to take us on the journey of her life, discussing many of the pertinent moments, such as poverty, family abuse, hygiene, adoption, true love & self-love. Viola opens up her scars and allows us to see the woman behind the accolades & awards. She opens up with a place of vulnerability, that lets her dive into the life of a young girl who never felt good enough or pretty enough. She allowed us to see that for so many years, she longed for validation and love. However, the real moment in time of her coming into herself, was her changing her want of validation to self-affirmation and love. Moreover, the strength she needed to be the woman she is today came from her story. The story of her childhood and her struggles. So for her to figure out her purpose of what she wanted to do next, she had to start back from the moment when she was a child, and that’s why the memoir “Finding Me” was written. For every single moment of adversity pushed her forward to success.

 Many times its hard work separating the artist from the person, but in this interview, we were able to do that, flawlessly. 

As an artist, it’s sometimes hard to separate yourself from your artwork, because the majority of who you are, is your art. Your art is what inspires you and becomes your “why”, but sometimes it can also be discouraging, and become your “maybe not anymore.” 

I often find myself wondering, “Why am I on certain paths?” Or “Why do the things I want, happen for my friends and not me?” “How come they got that audition? How come they got that job? That car? That raise? That person? And not me.” Sometimes we spend a lot of time, wondering “How come” instead of reflecting on the moment and understanding that “THEIR” time does not mean “MY” time. After leaving that place of “how come” you realize that in order to accomplish the things I want to accomplish, I have to believe in myself 110% percent, even when I feel like everyone else isn’t. That you don’t stop reaching for the stars, because they are in space. Instead, you find a way to get to space, so it’s no longer a reach. Although poverty played a major impact on Viola’s development, I also think a lot of the adversity came because she transferred a lot of what people said about her into her own truth. She allowed the opinions of other people to become the opinions of herself. But as a child,  how do you not believe something, that everyone says is true? How do you affirm yourself, when you have nothing? Sometimes not even love. 

Viola grew up in a two-parent household, with her father and mother, and in this interview she tells Oprah that it was apparent that her parents loved her. That her father would tell her & show her, every chance he could. But even with the words I love you coming from his mouth, it didn’t always reign through in their household, because he was very abusive toward her mother. It got so bad that one day, she had to intervene the abuse herself. Oprah talks about those moments for Viola in the interview, and ask’s her, how was she able to forgive her father for all the pain he caused her. Viola responds and says, “Well they say that’s what successful therapy is. That the day comes when you realize that your parents did the best they could with what they had.”

This response, blew me away because essentially she understood the dynamics of the world her father was born into, and how that played a major role in the life she was given. It shined a light of understanding that, her father was human and the one thing he never received in his life, that she was able to give him, was grace. Often times we don’t give the people who hurt us the grace of forgiveness. But that only stunts our growth. It inhibits us emotionally and sometimes physically, keeping us from propelling forward. However, with age, comes wisdom, and the more I transition into this life, I understand the meaning of, “forgiveness is not for them, it’s for you.” Viola had to forgive her father, to set herself free. To tap into the artist she was meant to be. The person she was meant to be. To help her be the best wife and mother that she is now.

Friends, this interview not only left me inspired but challenged me to look at my life through a different lens. It helped me understand the importance of having people who truly love me in my corner, and that once I love myself, nothing or no one, can stop me. That our saving grace and light to our darkness is ourselves.

 So friends, if you have the chance, please tune into this interview on Netflix. You can also purchase the book “Finding Me” here.

Much love y’all, and thanks for reading! 

SHAKEDOWN BREAKDOWN

Okay y’all so lets talk! So on an episode of  the HoodxHolistic podcast, Court & Ash interviewed Leilah Weinraub, the writer and director of the Pornhub feature film “Shakedown.” In the podcast, they urged us to watch the film and discussed many of the dynamics of the film. However, although the pod gave us insight on the “Shakedown”, I honestly wanted to go more in debt on and discuss the impact that it had on me.

So, let me start by saying this, this film gave me ALL. MY. LIFE. Like ALL of it . It was so interesting to see my history as a queer black woman on screen. I mean, granted there is representation of black lesbian culture on many platforms, but none of which indulge in the earlier times of being a black queer woman. Most representations of lesbians are monetized and commercialized into things that speak from the perspectives of white queer women, which can be inauthentic to a lot of black queer women and how we maneuver within our sexuality. For example, “The L Word.” A show that really opened a lot of doors to representation of queer life on screen, spoke directly to the lives of white lesbian women and their own journeys. Although some of the stories and struggles were universal to lesbian women, it provided more of a safe space for lesbian white women opposed to lesbian black women.  In the film, “Shakedown,” Weinraub allows us to find a safe space and connection within our own community as black queer women. 

One thing I loved about this film was how much authenticity was wrapped inside it. Nothing within the film was sugarcoated. From the stories to the people telling them, everything was labeled with truth. Now you may say, “But Taè, doesn’t this film take place in the club majority of the time?” Yes,, yes it does. However, the club doesn’t take away the prior knowledge of me understanding that these women were authentically living as themselves during a time period, that one, was not that long ago, but two, during an era where it was almost forbidden. 

As an androgynous woman, I have recently come into a space where I am comfortable with my masculinity and femininity and allowing them to intertwine. However, in my beginning stages of my journey, I often would be embarrassed for wanting to embrace the masculinity that flowed throughout me. I would go between masculine and feminine styes because I was afraid of living in my truth as a queer woman and letting my style reflect that. However I got to a point in my life, where I understood the value of living in my truth and not letting the labels given by my community and of my family affect me.  But even with that, this all is during a period where I would say being queer is a commonality. However, during the era of the film, It wasn’t. Those women who were masculine presenting and openly lesbians, really had to ride the rollercoaster of pushback and ridicule. They had to understand that living in their truth will cause a lot of people in their life to feel uncomfortable. 

This Is why the Shakedown at club Horizon was so important. It truly allowed women, shit people, to come there and live in their most authentic selves. It allowed no room for judgement, and made those who were ostracized by their families and friends to truly find a sense of belonging. The shakedown became a weekly family event for black queer women that no other place in that city offered. I am so grateful to Leilah Weinraub for taking the initiative to to share some history on the black queer club scene, and life as a lesbian in the 90’s and early 2000’s. Thank you for the creating a safe space for us within your film, and reinforcing the power and strength we were built with and use daily as queer back women. Thank you for validating our stories. 

If y’all haven’t seen it yet, please make sure to check it out right here. The film is about 90 minutes long and is filled with many gems on black queer life. Hands down, a must watch. 10/10 would recommend. 

Really Love is Really Love.

Set in contemporary DC, Really Love takes us on the journey of art and love through characters Isaiah Maxwell ( Kofi Siriboe) and Stevie Solomon (Yootha Wong-Loi Sing). We begin the journey of Stevie and Isaiah at an art solo show for Isaiah’s mentor Yusef Davis (Michael Ealy). The characters meet by connecting over one particular piece exhibited at Yusef’s show. As a director, I truly enjoyed the choice of how this moment was incorporated into the film, because three minutes into the film, we began admiration for these characters and their newfound relationship.

As we venture on through the film, we learn that Isaiah is a struggling artist, Stevie is a law student at Georgetown, and both of them are working hard to jumpstart their careers. The love that surrounds them is sweet, innocent, and filled with promise. But even with that promise surrounding them, both characters are at a pivotal moment in their lives where they have to make decisions. These decisions challenge the notion of stability for their relationship and force them to put love on the back burner. The film was very dialogue-driven, allowing us to keep the pace of the story, yet still found ways to incorporate silence, adding intimacy we didn’t know we needed.

I resonated with the character Isaiah the most, because of his struggle between balancing love and art. As an artist, I am aware that love is what feeds us. But in the same breath, it is what runs us dry. We often overindulge in love which gives us excitement and helps us create, but then after a while that overindulgence is what causes a creative block.

The reason being, art is selfish.

If we could personify art, it would be the partner that brings the best out of you but also needs constant attention and reassurance. It’s unable to compete with anything or anyone else. Going back to the film, Isaiah began to invest so much time into his newfound relationship with Stevie, that he began to neglect his art. Desperately wanting a solo show, but not putting in the time and effort in his work to make sure he created an opportunity to have one. Rather, It wasn’t until he spoke with his curator, that he realized he was playing everything safe and no longer taking risks. It was in that moment where he felt like he needed to discipline himself and make a choice, love or art?

He chose art.

It’s tricky because essentially that was the only choice he could choose. For a long time, I believed that artists were meant to date artists, and part of me still believes that. Watching Really Love partially confirmed that theory because Stevie was incapable of understanding the sacrifice that comes with dating an artist. She didn’t understand that the more time he put into their relationship instead of his art, the more stifled he had become. She took him pouring his time into his art as a sign of neglect to their relationship instead of his way of saving it.

Often as humans, we look for people to pour into us, instead of us just pouring into ourselves. We set so many limitations to what love should look like when in actuality love is free-flowing and unrestricted. It’s selfless, and the return on the investment is not always instant. I’ve been in many relationships that required me to choose between art and love. Sometimes I’ve chosen love instead of art. But as time went on, I realized that choice was me choosing someone else’s love over the love I have for myself.

This film gave me room to feel. It allowed me to be present in my thoughts and emotions, and face some of the struggles I have in my personal life. That alone is something I haven’t been able to do for a while when watching a movie. This film showed us, real people, in real-time, experiencing real love. It allowed us to explore our fears and tap into our truths. Really love is a film that transcends beyond being in love and highlights the journey of it & the emotions we feel when we try to navigate it. If you have seen the film, tell me your thoughts.

Really Love is currently streaming on Netflix.

Views from the Quarantine

So these past two weeks, I have been vibing the album “Views” harder than when it came out. Now first understand, Drake is my boy. I mean, I am a huge fan of him as an artist even though his recent albums .. ahh not too much. I mean their good but they don’t touch the heart in classic albums such as Thank Me Later, Take Care, Nothing Was the Same, and Views.

Which brings me to why I wrote this post. Views, y’all, has been my meditation, my mediation, and my celebration. This album has really put so much fire into me, recollecting memories from who I was to images of who I am rising to be. I listen to this album and can’t but have reflection over my past. This album came out during a time period where I was really beginning to find out who I was as a young adult. It was a time where rules didn’t exist in my life, instead just pain and pleasure. I was finding myself while living free of parental expectations.

Fast forward two years, Summer “18, and this album came back into my life after my breakup with my college sweetheart. Every song, Every title, had a message that not only I couldn't speak, but couldn’t write. From “U With Me and Feel No Ways”, to “Faithful, Controlla, One Dance, Childs Play, Too Good, and Fire and Desire”, this album, which came out two years ago, gave new meaning, feeling, and perspective to where I currently was on my journey.

Now here I am, listening to this album over and over again. Reflecting not only on where I was but who I was and how most parts of me have changed and how certain parts of who I am long to be the same. Move the same. Think the same. But even with that, I understand that all that does is defeat the journey of growth in which I have traveled. It’s so amazing to me how this album has made an impact on three different parts of my life and will continue to impact more parts. I think that is the beauty of music overall. The power and ability it has to make you reconnect with old feelings while also encouraging and supporting new ones. I am so grateful for the power music has over me, and what it brings to my life as a human and an artist. In all honesty, this album has many rights to my story just like all the people and scars I’ve dealt with and healed from. So, if you’re reading this, it’s not too late, go grab a drink, put this album on, and catch a vibe. Take Care.

Quarantine and Chill

Okay y’all, I’ma be candid as fuck right now: this quarantine life is driving me insane.

Now I understand some of y’all have found things to do at home whether it be working out, cleaning, trolling social media, or even starting your own business. Either way, it goes, you all have found something to occupy your time. And yes I have too, but even with those things, for some reason, it does not seem to be enough. Maybe it’s the lack of consistency that I have with these projects, or lifestyle changes, but for some reason, things just seem harder now that I have more time to do them. The crazy thing about it all is that a month has already passed! Like its low-key insane. However, this is the point of me writing this blog. Because I need to go back to expressing myself creatively. I need to make time for all of the things I want to do and create because simply, I have nothing but that: time. But I will not lie to you all, two days ago I had a mini-breakdown because this quarantine life was really hitting me. I hadn’t even thought to do a self-check with myself until I was crying in my girlfriend’s arms. It was at that specific moment that I realized, “Damn” this quarantine hitting me hard too. I haven’t lost my job, I haven’t stopped getting paid, I haven’t lost a family or friend due to this virus, and yet in still, I had a mental breakdown.

But I’m so grateful for that moment of frustration and uncertainty that I had because it gave me clarity on how I need to spend the rest of my time. The first thing is meditation, then creation, and then education. All of these are key components to the success and happiness of me. So yeah, basically, I’m taking care of my mental health by sharing how I felt, and while I’m checking in with myself, I’m checking in on y’all. How are y’all doing during this time?

3.23.20 - The fearless Artist

One year ago, on March 21st I thought about and planned on taking my life. I woke up so sad, so depressed because I knew that I wanted to die. Life was no longer worth living to me. I was filled with so much sadness. so much hurt, pain. At that point in my life, I had experienced so many losses back to back, that my mind, body, and spirit had no time to recover. No time to heal. Sometimes we take our minds through so many experiences that can become traumatic to our health. We force ourselves to keep going, to keep pushing, and if we don’t take a moment to recognize the trauma and prepare for healing, we begin to breakdown. Breakdowns such as physical: losing weight fast, not eating, overeating, passing out, or even an injury. Or Breakdowns such as mental and emotional: depression, anxiety, and thoughts and acts of suicide. We make our bodies keep going and going, until finally it says no, and shuts down.

As a black woman, I have faced many traumas in my Life. Being diagnosed with depression was one of them. Now I must admit that mental health is something that is not really discussed within the black community. Nobody talks about the uncle or aunt in the family that is abusing drugs/alcohol due to their depression. Nobody even really acknowledges it because we often feel like prayer can replace action. Some people also go to the extent of believing that depression is not something we can be because essentially, we don’t have time to be that. Life for black people in America was built on trauma. Every generation has their own traumatic experiences and instead of talking about it, and seeking professional help, we just pass them down to the next generation instead. Black people, and especially Black women, are a group of people who have been constantly beaten and broken down, yet are required to push through and ignore the need for healing because life is still happening. Bills are still due. Food is still needed. A family still has to be provided for.

Growing up, I struggled a lot with finding my voice. I was always overlooked, overshadowed, or silenced. In more ways than one, life growing up let me believe that it was better to keep my feelings inside than to voice them. This perspective carried out in my friendships, relationships, and even at work. I became the person who would get offended and then not say anything to you about it because I didn’t want to offend you. For years I walked in the shadows of my peers. But not because I wanted to. But because I didn’t know my own strength…

Yesterday my dog Kash was hit by a car. He was a little under a year, and his life was taken away from him. I saw my dog bleed out of his head in the middle of the road. I held my dog until he died. I took my dog to the vet and waited for him to be cremated. That was another moment of trauma in my life. I even thought that a traumatic experience yesterday was going to place me back into a depression. Especially since my dog was killed a year and a day later after I wanted to kill myself. However, it was at that moment, that I realized how instant life was. I was with my dog all day, playing, and hugging, and then, BOOM, he’s gone. He’s taken away from me just like that. All of those moments we shared, I will never get to experience with him again. This parallels with my own story because if I would have taken my life, I would have missed out on a year worth of experiences that have molded me into the woman I am today. A year's worth of adventure. Furthermore, I would have taken away the possibility of creating new memories with the ones I love.

Yesterday, March 22nd, was the day I found my voice. I mean truly. I understand that the reason I submitted to silence for so long is that I was afraid of my own power. I was afraid of being better than the people I idolized. I was afraid of challenging the thoughts and opinions of the ones I loved. I was afraid of being wrong. Even more so, I was afraid of being me. But even with this new discovery, I know I am still on this journey to figuring out my mental health and how to engage it positively, daily. However, even with that, I know that writing is my sanctum. It literally has been my saving grace for many situations including rescuing my own life. Therefore, the best thing I can do to support my mental stability is to write more poems, publish more books, updating my blog, and continuing to tell my story. So cheers, to a year of not just continuing life but instead, learning how to relive it!

Living In My Truth

Today is June 30th, 2019, the last day of PRIDE month, and I have to say that this month especially, has been good to me. It has been good to me, for this month, I truly lived in my truth. Now you may ask, "What do you mean?" "I thought you were openly gay?", and I am. I am a proud woman, who represents the "L" in LGBTQ. However, even with being a proud lesbian, there are many moments I try to hide in my truth. Struggling daily with finding a true balance between masculinity and femininity. Feeling like I have to choose which side I should identify, although both are equal representations of who I am. Whether I should take on the labels people try to place on me as a gay black woman... or to be myself... and live in my truth.

This month, I was blessed tremendously in finding my light. Learning the basics of being comfortable in my skin and really in my sexuality.

My girlfriend, a wonderful woman she is, has never dated a woman outside of me. She has been with men her whole life and never had the urge to date or be intimate with a woman..and then one day she met me. And her whole life went into a new spiral. A new spiral because she, a woman who had been confident in her sexuality her whole life, was now questioning who she was, and who she was going to become. She had a lot of doubt and was filled with a lot of confusion. But even though it is my first time dating a straight woman (despite the rumors you hear, not all lesbians want to date straight women), it wasn't my first time dating a woman like her, and I had to help her through her journey of living in her truth. I had to show her, my girl, that love is love, and it's nothing wrong with you for falling in love with someone who is of the same gender. But even with my teachings for her, she taught me. She teaches me... daily. She teaches me to love on myself, be myself, and not limit myself to one variation of who I am and who I want to be.

This month I lived in my truth out LOUD. I bought pride and wore it on my sleeves. I let the world know that, hey THIS IS ME, I'm comfortable truly in my skin. I went to a club with my girlfriend, in matching pride shirts, and honey let me tell you, we got plenty of stares. And at first I was uneasy, uneasy because I had never worn pride shit to a club, and then I never wore matching pride shit to a club, with my significant other, but I did. And once I realized that "Hey, who gives AF? It's my life, my truth.", I begin to shed the clothes of uneasiness, and marinated in my truth.

So I write this article to say, if you are struggling with living in your truth, Don't. Whether you be gay, straight, bi, or questioning, don't be afraid to be you. Nobody wants someone who wants to be someone else, so be you.

PRIDE month is not just for gays to live out loud, but in my opinion, it's for everyone to have pride in loving who they are and the skin they are in. It is a month where people who usually feel exiled, feel supported. People who are lost, become found. People who are trapped, feel free. It is a month, to celebrate the beauty of your individuality, and know that there is a group of people who resonate with similar beliefs as you. Therefore, I am grateful for this month of June, for it gave me more confidence as a creative, but also as an androgynous black lesbian woman.

So cheers to PRIDE.

Remember to Love Life, Live the Life you Love, and LIVE IN YOUR TRUTH.

Glow Sis Glow

It's something about a black woman and when her black girl magic radiates intensely through her pores, and into the world. That glow automatically attracts and exudes an energy that can't be, excuse my French "fucked with." For the last few weeks, I won't even lie, I've exuded this same glow. And what's crazy about it all is the fact that I didn't even know I was glowing until my co-worker said something to me. Once my co-worker gave me that compliment, I took a step back and began to re-evaluate myself and my new found "Glow", and I ain't gone lie, I was shook. I mean shookkkkkkkkk honey.

Now you may wonder why having a glow was such a surprise to me and it's simple: It wasn't something I was familiar with. Reason being is that my whole first year out of college was filled with depression & self-doubt. The easy going life I knew had altered, and shit got real. I had bills, my relationship of almost three years ended, friendships since high school got dissolved, and I was insecure about my looks due to the weight I gained. I won't lie, emotionally and mentally I was in a dark place. I wasn't happy. Even with all the accomplishments and new ventures I was experiencing, I still wasn't happy.

I was an living image of a cry for help. But as time went on, God put people, places, and things in my life to help me gain clarity on my purpose. These new experiences helped me get out of self pity, and get more into to self care. I begin to become more serious about my health, making sure not only did I work out weekly, but I also made sure I was eating things that made my body look and feel better. I also dived back into my creativity, and begin writing more scripts, poetry, and blog posts. I even got crazy one day and wrote a rap. I begin to re-ignite the passions that burned deep inside me, and got back to the person I wanted to be. So now, here I am, a year later, and I'm in a better place than I was a year ago. I am learning to love on me unconditionally flaws and all, and fall back in love with the things that make me whole. I am a vessel who has been put on this earth to create not conform, and that's how I plan to move in my life from this day forward.

So why am I writing this?

I'm writing to this to encourage anyone who may have been going through a similar situation, or similar feelings of being lost, feeling unvalued, to keep pushing forward. To find the things that make you happy, and expound on them. I am writing to let you know that self-love is really the best love, and even though I've had assistance with many people in reaching my place of happiness, I still owe myself gratitude for taking the initiative to want to be happy. You owe that to yourself, We all do. Being the creators of our own happiness & self-love, and being the purgers of our own self doubt. It's time we change the course of life in which we've walked, and use our transitional periods to really re-establish who we are and whom we want to be. For when we begin loving on ourselves, the glow, or in my case, the black girl magic radiance is unfuckwitable.

So Glow sis Glow, Grow sis Grow, and Go sis Go!